Musings on Life for the Queerly Inclined

Posts tagged ‘identity’

Why We Can’t Have All of the Cookies

Today we’re talking about allyship.  Wait.  That’s not totally it—we’re actually talking about the easiest ways to be a huge tool.  This is in fact a list of horrifyingly common pitfalls to avoid.  TW: mentions sexual assault and misgendering

“Let Me Tell You What a Good Ally I Am!”

If a corner stone of your allyship involves trying to show off what a good ally you are, you’re doing it wrong.  Anything that vaguely resembles “I have a friend who is ___, therefore I’m super accepting” is a bad idea.  We do not deserve cookies and gold stars just for being decent human beings and not being overtly hateful.

  • My friend so-and-so, who’s Latina, says blah, blah, blah.
  • So-and-so’s brother Jason—well, she used to be Jason when she was a boy…now she’s Jackie…
  • My gay best friend and I…
  • I’ve known so-and-so since before zie had [insert medical history here].
  • Then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she’s on crack.

Any of these sound familiar?  I know I’ve heard them.  Before speaking, ask yourself a couple of questions:

  1. Would the person I’m speaking of want me to share this information?
  2. Does the person to whom I’m speaking need to know this?

If the answer to either is no, congratulations, this would be a great time to shut up.  Even if you think the people you’re speaking to and about will never meet, there’s still no excuse.  Stick to info that’s relevant to the conversation and that you know may be shared.

I’ve had conversations in which I’ve straight up said to people “Why are you telling me this?  This is absolutely none of my business.”  Usually, they were telling me these incredibly personal stories about people I’d never met (or could’ve met–they don’t know that) in an effort to show how diverse their friend group was, how many types of people they accepted, etc.  No.  Just stop.  You do not get the Non-Bigot of the Year award.  Instead, you get some serious stank eye for outing and/or tokenizing your friend, as well as a demerit for spreading about their personal business.

Throwing Your Privilege in Other People’s Faces

Privileged folks: we need to stop inserting our voices and opinions where they do not belong.  Like now already.  If there is a conversation taking place between members of marginalized group about oppression, you do not look extra sensitive by jumping in and adding your two cents.  In fact, you look like a huge douchebag.  Because, in that situation, you are.  Unless specifically asked, you do not need to add a white perspective, a cisgender perspective, a neuro-typical perspective.  Privileged perspectives are ubiquitous—I can guarantee no one has forgotten about them.  By (unwelcomely) entering a discussion about misogyny with “From a man’s perspective…” you are not enlightening anyone; you are silencing the group.  If you are asked to give an opinion, cool.  If not, stay quiet and listen to what it’s like not hearing your views presented front and center.

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Pansexuals, Pansexuals Everywhere! We’re Taking Over!

Texas State Rep. Mary Gonzalez, a recently elected Democrat from El Paso, has just come out as pansexual.  HELLO TO THE FIRST OPENLY PAN ELECTED OFFICIAL IN THE USA!!!

HuffPo states that Gonzalez came out as bisexual when she was 21 years old, but later felt that this label didn’t fit:

“As I started to recognize the gender spectrum and dated along the gender spectrum, I was searching for words that connected to that reality, for words that embraced the spectrum. At the time I didn’t feel as if the term bisexual was encompassing of a gender spectrum that I was dating and attracted to.”

Feministing adds that Rep. Gonzalez initially was out as queer while campaigning for her State Rep seat, but the poor old news media didn’t know what to do with that information, so she stuck with the term gay (to which the media responded by calling her lesbian).

“During the campaign if I had identified as pansexual, I would have overwhelmed everyone,” she said.  “Now that I’m out of the campaign, I’m completely much more able to define it.”

HOLY SHIT.  Can we all just stop for a minute and realize that a politician just spoke openly and articulately about pansexuality?  She’s not dumbing it down and giving a news bite definition that rests at the lowest common denominator of understanding.  She’s actually discussing dating and/or being attracted to women, men, genderqueer people, and trans* people like they’re normal, acceptable parts of life…cuz, ya know, they are.  (Surprise!)  Also, mad props to her for raising the profile of queer Latinas and uncompromisingly being herself.  In case anyone is missing how big a deal this is, here’s a blow-by-blow of my response.

Me: Sees article on Facebook.  Headline = “Mary Gonzalez will be the first out pansexual legislator in the US”

Me in my head:  Oh my god.  Oh.  My.  God.  Oh my god oh my god oh my god.  I have to tell Pandaqueer!

(FYI Pandaqueer = one of the loves of my life, with whom I’ve had many a great gendery spiel.)

PQ: WHAT?!  PANSEXUAL REPRESENT?!

Me: HELL YEAH MUTHAFUCKAS!!!

Me: I AM HANDLING THIS MATURELY

PQ: YES.  OH MY GOD IT’S EXCITING.  I NEED TO MAKE US MATCHING PANSEXUAL FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS.

Me: YES AND WE WILL SEND HER ONE, ALONG WITH A LETTER PROFESSING MY UNDYING LOVE AND ADMIRATION.

PQ: MINE TOO PLEASE.

And then I devolved into an unintelligible mess because I had too many blog post ideas all at once.

In case this is not explanation enough, I will try to be serious for a moment.  I’ve often joked with my friends that I never expect to see anyone I identify with (especially in regard to views on gender/sexual orientation/politics) on TV or in the mainstream media and that if I do, I’ll assume something’s gravely wrong.  Let’s suspend reality for a sec and imagine me going into politics.  I’ve never been able to envision myself running for office and being totally open about my sexual orientation because, of course, that would necessitate explaining non-binary genders and assigned sexes and gender fluidity.  We all know that addressing those amid conversations of “American family values” would get me slapped with the “off-the-charts liberal nut job” sticker (which, let’s be real, is incredibly accurate).  Those terms would also be deemed too complicated for the public to understand and I would be pressured to “simplify” my identity and fit into a box that people are already familiar with, but to which I would have no connection.  Cue my endless frustration.

Bottom line: the notion that a political figure would actually use the word pansexual any time this decade–let alone 4 days ago–is stunning to me.  I will certainly write her that letter of love and admiration.

Incongruities

Put a Bird on It

This morning I woke up far too early (10:05am is the crack of dawn, okay??!) to the sound of what I presumed was a squeaky dog toy being compressed repeatedly outside my window.  “Make it stopppppppppp” my sleepy little grey cells moaned, “we want REM cycles, not shrill attacks on your ears!”  The noise grew louder and louder, until I could no longer take it and I dragged myself out of bed and to the nearest window.  (Let’s be real–this was about 16″ away.)  Opening the curtain, I saw a baby bird grasping the screen and calling out to the grey clouds above.  Instantly, my heart melted from “ugh” to “awwwww” and my singer’s brain snapped on, propelling me from “why can’t I just sleep forever?” to much more important questions like “how thin must its vocal cords be to allow it to produce such high, piercing notes?”

But the real question is: why is it only when I move back to the city, out of the middle of nowhere, that I’m awakened by a baby bird?

CoD: Call of Duty Crumble Old Dichotomies

Conversation with le brother (age 15, into video games…duh) yesterday:

Le bro: I just explained to one of my friends that there’s more than two genders and he was like, “whaaaaaa?”

Me: Wait, you explained this over the headset while playing?  How did that come up?

Le bro: He was registering for something and had to select male/female/other.  He was like, “Other?  Hahaha.”

Me in my head: I love the world.

Le bro: So I told him that yeah, you could be born biologically male or female, but that doesn’t define whether you’re a man or a woman or a different gender.

Me in my head: Wait, I really do love the world!

Me out loud: Wow, so what did he say to that?

Le bro: He was like, “Ummm, I’m gonna drop this conversation here.”

Me: Ya know what?  You were exactly right and hopefully he’ll think of that again some time in the future.

Me in my head: I HAVE CORRUPTED THIS KID SO WELL!!  Time to move on to phase two of casually schooling him in terms/concepts* he should know…

It gives me hope to know that somewhere out in the world, there are 10 or so people who are listening to a teenage CoD star tearing apart biological determinism and the gender binary, while all on secret missions to drive tanks through dangerous computerized terrain and blow things up.

*Next up: there are more sexes than male and female; bodies are assigned M/F at birth.  And why is CoD such a compelling game?

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