Last night I had a crisis on my hands. I mean a full-fledged disaster.
It was like running out of glitter. Okay, not that bad. What to wear for dyke march? The question hung over me, drenching me in desperation and doom. The blue jeans short shorts? Or the pink jeans shorter shorts? These are the questions that keep me awake at night, people!
Keep in mind, pride weekend is a two day affair: Saturday is dyke march; the parade is on Sunday. There are multiple after-party opportunities following both. Gotta figure out what fabulousness I’m gonna wear for each event.
Sequins are gonna happen. I mean, duh, that’s pretty much a given. I decided on a silver sequin top (ya know those items of clothing that toe the line between a shirt and a dress so you besta wear something underneath them? ya, that), with the pink shorts, a pink chunky belt, and pink sneakers.
If you’re gonna be at Chicago dyke march, come say hey! I’m gonna march with FFICA: Fierce Femmes in Chicagoland Area. We have a huge red velvet banner–yeah, we’re keepin’ it classy–that says “femmes” on it in red and pink sequins and white lace. Needless to say, we won’t be hard to miss. I helped make the banner, so you should check out my fancy cursive lettering in red sequined fabric. Holla!
I would like to address an event that’s near and dear to our hearts–read: a raging controversy in some circles and up for passionate debate–the Miss USA pageant. Yes, that one, run by Donald “These are the most beautiful women…oh and I guess I should say they’re smart too…did I mention I’m rich?” Trump. I’m not gonna dissect pageant culture right now, except to say that the whole discussion of beauty standards still applies (except that, ya know, there’s no androgyny in this line-up). Instead, I’m gonna jump right into the important stuff: they made a music video. That’s right, all the contestants dusted off their mime skills, busted out their best dance moves, and jammed to Carly Rae Jepsen’s musical classic. As Carly Rae would say, you should know that, so if you have no idea what I’m referencing, go watch and then continue reading.
1. South Carolina is wearing gold sequins. Approve.
2. I love NY because she’s miming/dancing like she lives for these moments (0:29) and I’m liking the bold purple and green~~props to you, NY.
3. Who is the awk man at 1:29 (boy band import?) and, more importantly, 1:57? Anybody else reminded of a bad werewolf impression?
4. New Mexico is working it while riding backwards on an escalator (1:41). Skills.
5. If I were in this, I would be Virginia at 1:48. Yep. All of the time.
6. Oh heeeeeeey there 1:26. Can we talk about the massive dose of queerness that just popped up? Now they’re dancing at 2:45~~this is love.
7. There are matching bikinis.
8. Dear Donald Trump, until you came into this video, I did not miss you at all. Why the awk cameo at the end? You’re fired.